Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Ultimate pleasure of life (err…morning!!)

PS:WARNING!! DANGER!! AAHH..ANYTHING TO WARD OFF READERS WITH EVEN SLIGHTLY WEAK STOMACHS...PLEASE DON'T READ THIS IF YOU FOUND THE 'ITCH' POST HORRID...THIS WILL KILL YOU THEN!! I know this is the grossest post I've ever written, but nevertheless I've enjoyed it the most till date. I am the way I am..so please excuse me!! Now you'll know why 'm called SHIT...enjoy reading... :)

Its 6.27 in the morning. I am on my bed, eyes wide open. Though my alarm is set for 6.30, I still have this urge to switch it off when it shrieks in my ear. But today’s kinda different. The air of the room does not feel that good. Reason, I have been farting like a cow who had a delicious dinner of fresh onions, garlics and turnips. And the bacteria have done their work, mind it ! Aaahh…its really relieving when that small gush of (not so pleasant) air comes out through that hole. Inference of the whole description, the morning air aint that fresh today !!!


I suddenly feel something in my tummy. Hmm…funky feeling!! Looks like something cooking in there…oh shit..!! I sprang up with a jerk, frantically looking for that white bottle of dettol hand wash. My room-mate knows, I am on my way!!


I have heard people say – ‘When a man has to go, he has to go’. Well, now I shall do some contribution to it – ‘When DJ has to go, she has to go’. This 25 meters to the bogs seems like 25 miles to me. I sprint wildly like Marion Jones, just hoping for it not to come out in the middle of my journey !!


Finally, I reach my destination – the bogs !! Aah..what a lovely place man has created for early-morning-tensed souls like me. I just love the guy who came up with the concept. Anywyas, I keep the bottle of dettol on the slab and make my way through to the second one from the left (Well, I like this one coz here is where I first donated when I came here). I pull down every piece of cloth below my waist and sit down in the usual position (Though I love experimenting with various ways to sit, today is not the day to do that). Nobody can ignore the one kilometer smile on my face when the first bit comes out. But considering the fact that I am alone in the toilet, nobody actually notices it. I giggle, my heart exhilarating with sudden gush of immense joy. My senses suddenly rise from slumber. I can smell it now. I can see its colour clearly. Huh…it feels so amazing !!


One of the only reasons I have dinner at the very famous Dhaaba is due to the potpourri of colours the food, and the ‘then’ food, has. I clearly remember, I had Palak Paneer and Paneer Butter masala. For salad, cucumbers and beet roots, pretty colorful. The first one piece of shit (literally, this time..) that comes out with a wet fart. It is green, dark olive green. Its slimy, embedded with light green bubbles. It’s a small blob of semi-solid, looks scary though ! What did the bloody bacteria in my stomach do the food, I wonder. Well, now its time for the second one. Holy shit…this one took a hell lot of time to come out, about 3 seconds. This one was purplish green, maybe due to the beet roots that I had eaten last night. But no bubbles this time. Just pieces of undigested cucumber and peas. Density seems lighter than water. Texture – perfect !! Eeueeu..!! Not very scintillating for my nose though. Smells gross, and as if reading my mind, it sheepishly slips into the pot-hole without even sticking to the shiny pot the maid had cleaned last night.


Hmm…slight pressure released. I am on the cloud nine. Feeling free like a person who has just made his way out of the public toilet. But here the case is kinda opposite. I wonder why people give me that gross look when I say that I like spending time in the bogs. I mean, every single time I go for a visit to the toilet, my room-mate invariably says, “See ya in 15 mins, or maybe more!!!(Giggle.. giggle!!)”. Well well, as far as I am concerned, I don’t really care about how much time I spend in there. Believe me, its worth the happiness and satisfaction !


Now, its getting hot, kinda burning. The Dhaaba’s food had lots of spices. After spending some 14 mins in here, its time to go back. Damn !! Its washing time now. My mom had always told me to wash it with my left hand, but I always used the right one. I switched hands when I came here, dunno why. I open the tap and let the water come out. I wait for the red bucket to get completely filled up. That’s a practice I usually follow. After it is filled up, I dip both my hands into it and then start the ritual. The blue mug is generally kept beside it, so I fill it up – three-quarters full. Then I pour a little water into my left hand that is in the shape of a cup, stretch it backwards and wipe it off. Its very funny why the Americans use tissue paper to wipe it off. That way they never get to know the density, texture and temperature of the shit. It’s a really nice feeling to wash it slowly and steadily, feeling each and every granule of the ‘food of the past’. And when I have diarrhoea, its even better !!


The work is done. I am content. Tummy’s great, heart’s elated. I open the latch with my right hand and shoot straight towards the wash basin. Washing my hands is another great thing. Once that I done, I hop towards my room, my face shining with the joy of glory!!

8 comments:

SpankMac said...

my! what detail.. shit - there's a whole new dimension to it now!

Ankita DJ said...

exactly my point..ppl should "observe" more...heh heh :)

CB said...

Hmm..this suggests to me you're very much a kid..try reading freud's postulates somewhere..maybe wikipedia..

Raytracer said...

That post reminded me of this pic Spanky showed me once. Look for tubgirl on google images. WARNING:NOT FOR THE WEAK AT STOMACH!! I"M SERIOUS!!!!

Ankita DJ said...

of course u do..but who may you be..?

ChukChuk said...

dont think the daily visit will be the same again...atleast not for a few days

clearmist said...

that was scary ! are you sure you belong to the female species??

That description was more gross than the real picture.

this aint rite !

Ankita DJ said...

@clearmist:yuppy, i do belong to the female species...its kinda odd..i know..!! :)